Starting My Recovery Journey
I started my recovery journey in 1994; my sobriety date is September 20, 1998. At this time, I was riddled with fear as I was about to become the father of twin boys. I had no idea how to be a man, an employee, a husband, or a father. The thought of getting sober seemed insurmountable. By the grace of God and the generosity of some special people, I was able to get and stay sober. However, the feelings of hopelessness, fear, and despair remained; I just wanted it all to end.
Facing Depression
Eventually, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. At the insistence of my friends and my support group, I began therapy. Along the road, I tried all the psychotropic medications and therapeutic interventions that were suggested to me. Yet, I was unable to find relief from the hopelessness and suicidal ideation. Still, it was better than the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization associated with my drug and alcohol addiction. It was at that point that I decided that when my boys were old enough, I would hang myself.
A Turning Point: Plant Medicine
My sponsor, who was an amazing man, watched me struggle. Because he was aware of all of my shit, my plan to tough it out, and to eventually end it all by taking my own life when I had had enough; he made a decision to take a risk. He proceeded to share his thoughts about indigenous plant medicine and how it could be used to help people like me.
Searching for Relief
I was desperate for relief. I was praying like my hair was on fire, meditating with purpose, practicing yoga daily, and was able to experience moments of peace; I finally felt serenity like I never had before. Despite knowing in my heart that the depression would one day get the best of me, as it eventually did, I just wanted to make sure I had given recovery my best shot.
When the depression returned, it did so with a vengeance. I became paralyzed with fear. I could no longer show up for the people counting on me. “Misery” does not adequately describe how I felt inside.
The Journey with Plant Medicine
Before taking the final step to end it permanently, I wanted to rule out all possibilities for healing. It was then that my journey with plant medicine began. My first journey was gnarly, which felt like the equivalent of doing my fourth step, yet ten times more intense. I started to understand why I felt the way I did about myself.
Years later, plant medicine re-emerged at a crucial time in my life. I was living my dream, married to my soulmate, but I just couldn’t shake my depression and suicidal ideation. That was when the real work began. Resolving to delve deeper into the unknown one more time saved my life.
Finding Hope
I unearthed the “why” behind my pain. I found hope and a reason to live. I knew that I needed community. Just like getting sober, I could not do it alone. I can honestly say that my lifelong ruminations about hanging myself have disappeared. The depression still resurfaces from time to time, but it doesn’t lead the dance. I now have a say in the matter; I have agency.
Gratitude & Purpose
I thank God every day that a man took a risk and shared his experience with plant medicine with me. Although it didn’t solve my problems, I worked my ass off with the information that was given to me. When I think about the men I have known throughout the years who didn’t know what they didn’t know, I ask myself, “How could it have helped?” I’ve chosen to find out.
That’s the why of it all, my friends. Godspeed!